Today is the birthday of my fabulous mother, so it only seemed appropriate that I devote this posting to her. She has taught me many things over my 36 years and although I haven’t listened well to all of them, they may pose useful to others. I list these in no particular order, or by success factor, so don’t be upset with me if you take this secondhand advice and get yourself in trouble. Go ahead and blame my mother; that’s what I would do.

Things I learned from my mother:

• You should only buy or have your husband buy you expensive jewelry. You can borrow the cheap trinkets from your friends, but they never want to lend the good stuff.
  
• Only shave your legs from the knee down. It saves time and no one will notice, especially if you are blonde.
• It is just as easy to marry a rich man, as a poor man. (None of us girls followed this nugget of knowledge very well.)
• If you don’t know the word for something, it is just fine to make one up.
  
• It’s important to learn how to read; do it well and do it often. It’s even better if you enjoy it.
  
• It is still ok to eat the cheese curds if the cat chews through the bag and only eats one or two.
  
• When drinking Merlot and you don’t care for the taste, there is no need to confront the waiter and send it back. Simply make the noise “Akkk, akkk, akkk” quite loudly and the waiter will get the point.
  
• As long as you are describing something cute and have no malicious intentions, you can use stereotypical terms like jigaboo and pickaninny without being a racist.
  
• Go ahead and cheat at Scrabble. (Just don’t do it while playing with me. I will make you cry.)
  
• Food can survive in the freezer…indefinitely.
• You are never too old to have fun with your kids, be there for them in times of crisis, and be a good friend to them as adults.
• Even if you don’t “really” love all of your kids equally, pretend that you do, and they will grow up to be fine adults and thank you for it everyday.