The Iona Pig is not only our Bad Idea Bear, she doubles as her own. Typically she just tells herself to wake me up a few minutes earlier in the morning, steal a drink of wine from my glass at night, or to bite me if I just don’t obey. Sunday morning though, her bad ideas sprang to a whole new height. It was around 6am and I just opened the back door of the fake house as usual and instructed her to “go pee”. She typically saunters across the patio, does her thing in the grass and then runs back into the house so that she can eat breakfast. The girl has priorities and food almost always wins.
She doesn’t like to stray too far into the fake yard because the grass is spongy and she sinks. Just outside the mowed portion, is a decent length of tall grass that ends at a tree line. Beyond the trees is a swampy pond. I mention all this because these are all things that the Princess Pig dislikes. When your legs are like an inch long there are quite a few things that seem unnecessary, particularly if they block your path to the food dish.
On this particular morning she began the saunter while I hung lazily out in the doorway thinking about coffee. Suddenly she escalated into a full on sprint and was bolting across the yard, through the grass and beyond. I looked up in shock and saw a buck standing just at the edge of the trees. I can only imagine what this deer was thinking as this orange bullet of stuffed-animalness came charging at him through grass that is higher than she is. He literally stared for a few seconds and then calmly turned and ran into the woods. All this time I am trying to scream “IONA” as quietly as possible, (it WAS 6-AM ON SUNDAY MORNING), while running through the grass in bare feet and pajamas. She finally stopped at the trees and only turned to look at me as I scooped her up into my arms and carried her back to the house. (At this time I am now realizing that I am bare foot and probably seconds from stepping on a snake.)
Her little heart was just pounding. I know that the Iona Pig side was saying, “Thank you for coming to get me. Thank you for loving me enough to chase me and save me from the giant deer. I know not what I was doing”. The Bad Idea Bear side was less forgiving. “I almost had it you bitch! All I needed to do was herd it towards the house and we could have gnawed on it for days!” I gotta say, to deer or not to deer was never a consideration in LA.