My youngest sister Elizabeth has had a bit of a hard year. The Bad Black Man walked out on her, she had to sell her house in the divorce process, and she lost her dog Ari. All in all, 2008 has not set itself up to be her best. To her credit though, this whole process has really forced her to come around and be smacked in the face with self awareness. She will exit this year a much happier and healthier person than she entered it. For that I thank the bastard.
Now onto love. Anyone who knows Elizabeth knows that she is a complete unromantic. It’s not that she doesn’t “like” it, she simply doesn’t get it and doesn’t know to want it. When she had her accident, she broke all the romance bones. She now has a new boyfriend, who I hear is quite wonderful. If I had gotten to him early enough, we could have had this talk.
“Seriously, listen. If you want to woo her, don’t bother with the flowers and the candles. She won’t get it. Don’t waste your money on the expensive romantic dinner and the good wine. Chances are she’ll just blow it out one end or another anyway. If you want her, just follow these simple steps:
- Help her clean the house, and do it right
- Get her tipsy on cheap wine or whiskey
- Let her watch bad and embarrassing TV while curled up in her sweats
- When she is close to falling asleep, (not completely asleep; this is KEY…as is paying your light bill, but I regress), pick her up off the couch and throw her on the bed
- Have a good way with her, but not too long lest she fall back asleep before you realize it
- Let her put back on her sweats and NOW fall completely asleep
- You retreat to your corner of the bed and don’t touch her for the rest of the night
- She is now yours and she is happy. Romance unnecessary.”
But alas, I have not yet met this man and was unable to provide these imperative pieces of advice. So instead, he is trying some things the “normal” way. Keep in mind that in the below conversation he is drunk, she is not, and it is 11pm. Way past Elizabeth’s sharpest hours. I am obviously paraphrasing here, but I forgot a bunch of the middle stuff as I was laughing too hard and my brain went numb.
Sunday night went something like this.
He: “Elizabeth, I really like you. I don’t want to get hurt again, but I really like you.”
Elizabeth: “I like you too.”
He: “I think it is getting time for us to talk about the next step. Cuz, you know, I really like you.”
Elizabeth: “I like you too.”
He: “I think we should start talking, you know, about, the…ahhhhh, the L-Word.”
Elizabeth: “The L-Word?”
He: “Yes, the L-Word. I don’t want you to say anything, but I’ve been thinking a lot about the L-Word.”
Elizabeth: “The L-Word? You’ve been thinking a lot about LESBIANS?????”
He (after he stops choking from laughter): “No, not lesbians. I think I am falling in LOVE with you!”
Yes, that is Elizabeth. If you want your days and nights spent with inane laughter, the smell of Febreze and Lysol, and many drunken events that include falling down…she’s your girl. And she is so completely, utterly, absolutely worth it.