An Ode to My Maternal Role Model

I do not understand motherhood. I never had the urge to reproduce, or feel the miracle of life inside me, or guide an infant to the teat. Nope, kind of repulsed me actually. I have though, always wanted to teach someone small and impressionable about the things that are important and meaningful to me. Things like books, and traveling, and foreign things, and adventures, and spontaneity within parameters, and live music of almost all kinds, and bustling cities, and architecture, and quirky conversations, and smart television, and short skirts and tall shoes, and feeling fabulous, and individuality, and vegetables, and scary movies, and weird art, and orange dogs.

So, what does a non-parental girl do? Well, you adopt a dog for one. Secondly you meet an incredible man that had previously found a baby-mama. And most importantly, you appreciate the wisdom of your maternal role model and you use it where you can. I think I have some things to offer, and I owe many of them to my mother. In some cases, I am the person I am because I wanted to be the exact opposite of her. In most scenarios, it was because I unintentionally wanted to emulate her. Her. My mom, my mother, never my ma, my friend. Chris Neumann…whether you know it or not, you are pretty awesome and you’ve taught me an amazing amount of things. Yes, you didn’t always mean to impart all this wisdom. But this industrious girl of yours knows how to get what she can, where she can. Yes, you may have taught me that as well. We all have our personal definition of frugal 😉

Words of Wisdom from My Mother: Intentions, Thoughts, Observations and Actions for a Previously Ungrateful Daughter

  • Never shave your legs above the knee.
  • There is no excuse not to be pretty. Wear makeup whenever you leave the house. You will feel better and everyone else will appreciate the effort.
  • There can actually be TOO much Johnny Cash.
  • It’s OK to flirt with the Schwan man.
  • Every tall blonde should own a shiny, satin, red jumpsuit.
  • It’s just as easy to marry a rich man as a poor one. Sexual compatibility and laughter CAN compensate.
  • For the right man you may need to close the door, but be willing to leave the window open. They are slower and stupider than we are, and sometimes they need to be forced through small spaces to realize how amazing we are.
  • Neumann girls are neither simple, nor easy. And that is more than OK.
  • Libraries are awesome. Read anything, everything, everywhere.  Just read.
  • Don’t grow old gracefully. Use eye cream and consume vitamins liberally and early.
  • Margaritas make babies. Sarah, stay away from margaritas.
  • You can be taught to parallel park in a giant orange and white van. But if you don’t practice, you will only ever know how to parallel park a large van.
  • A girl can never own enough handbags or shoes.
  • Every girl loves diamonds. If you say you don’t, you are either lying or just haven’t met the right diamond.
  • Bigger hair makes you look thinner.
  • Try to teach your talentless children, but don’t be visibly disappointed if they never become gymnasts, dancers, pianists or singers.
  • Old fashioneds and vodka were made by god’s hands. It’s never too early, or too late for a cocktail.
  • Chocolate can make up for a myriad of sins.
  • It is not easy to live with personalities like my father. Like my father and me.
  • I am so the product of both my parents.

I was often an ungrateful daughter. I was often an impatient adult child. Over time though, I have realized that my mother is entertaining, unfiltered, wise, glorious, beautiful, and very appreciated. Sometimes I look in the mirror and I see her. I may jump a little, but then I think…” HELL YEAH!!!!”  I am a piece of her, and I am infinitely proud to be so.
Happy Mother’s Day. I love you.


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