Like a Snack Dick

I apologize in advance; I wish I were a rap star. I am rather annoyed and so therefore this post shall immediately be wayward. Wayward and wrong and right like a snack dick. Yes, like a snack dick. Or like Julia Louis-Dreyfus in a tighter-than-Jesus-across-the-ass-red-dress-with-a-zipper-acting-as-our-vice-president, snack dick. Shit, I either need to always be watching HBO, or I need to be grounded from HBO and adult conversations. (Props and citations to Silicon Valley and Veep.)

Argh this is a stupid day.

Dumb day, dumb day, dumb day. Jason is in North Carolina.

Child is failing a couple classes. We could fix him in like 2 months if he lived here. He really needs to be grounded. Not like, ‘you can play baseball and do fun things and go to New Orleans’, but like BE GROUNDED and life sucks because I care that you don’t end up a derelict.’ I want to punch things! ARGH.

I’m pissed that Lena Dunham is so awesomely talented, yet looks so horrible with her small boobs and cellulite and is comfortable and that makes me uncomfortable. ARGH!

It’s so blasted cold and wet outside and Iona made me stand out there for like 15 minutes while she did nothing. Only for me to discover that SHE DID NOTHING because she had already peed on the kitchen floor. Bitch. And ARGH because I love her and I can’t even be really mad.

WHY DO ALL THE SKINNY FAT GIRLS HAVE FUCKING AWESOME HAIR?

I was thinking about a new frying pan yesterday and I ordered a lime green one from Amazon and it SHOWED UP TODAY. WTF? Was Amazon hanging out around the corner and just threw one up on the porch this afternoon? The rest of the day goes askew, but Amazon can find and deliver a lime green frying pan in 18 hours???????

ARGH says the wanabee pirateoligist!

I have a $2000 Peloton spin bike upstairs and it is going unused because my cycling shoes have two holes and not three. Yes, I only have two usable holes. New shoes can’t get delivered today, but a stupid lime green frying pan can.

The smoke alarm in the hallway started beeping at 3.30am; the ficus tree named Waylon is dropping leaves, and my lower back hurts. I should have been inspired on this cold rainy day. Instead, I am stuck. Pissed. Annoyed. Stuck. ARGH. I’m going to use my new lime green frying pan tomorrow morning. I’m going to name my new lime green frying pan. I’m going to name him Snack Dick. Suddenly I feel better; like a snack dick.

14 responses to “Like a Snack Dick”

  1. “Child” is not failing a couple classes…did not go to New Orleans when his grades were bad….and owning DOGS does not necessarily qualify you to “fix” a child. Thanks but no thanks, he’s not “broken”

  2. This sounds like something a “Step” parent would say. If you don’t have children of your own you wouldn’t say you could “fix” him in “2 months”! And if you did have children you would know just how ludacris that sounds! It’s really easy for someone with no emotional attachment to said “child” to rant about them needing to be punished but until you actually have children of your own and know the true love a mother has for her children, your opinion in that matter is invalid.

    • what? if anything? are you trying to say? (“ludicrous”). WHO can say what can and cannot “fix” kids anyway? by the way, we (my signif. ‘other’ and i) have more trouble with the darn dorgs than we ever did with the children. the writer is reacting (succinctly, with vivid impact and ‘take no prisoners’) to a complex situation with a myriad of possibilities. for her, it ain’t fun but stressful, but for the reader, this is “fun stuff.”

  3. Love this- thanks for speaking the rant that so many of us feel! And I have to say, I really giggled at the “Anonymous” user’s spelling of ludicrous- she does know that “Ludacris” is the name of a rapper, not the actual spelling of the word, right?!?

  4. I’m going to refer to my stupid second husband as ‘Snack Dick’. I’m still waiting for the main course. . .

  5. I realize I don’t know you. I stumbled upon this today, and thought I’d give it a read, and, honestly, you sound like the worst person ever. It pisses you off that Lena Dunham is comfortable in her own “horrible” skin? How is that possibly a bad thing?! Why must women go around looking like someone should give them a sandwich right fucking NOW before they die of starvation? There is nothing beautiful about a woman who is all skin and bones. Shame on you! And the “we could fix this kid” thing? Ridiculous. You’re clearly a step parent. A has-the-kid-around-on-summer-vacation-and-therefore-thinks-she’s-an-all-knowing-child-expert step parent. Get over yourself.

    • I appreciate you reading and unfortunately not fully understanding. I am uncomfortable with the wonderful Lena because she has found comfort in what so many of us perceive as imperfections. Myself included: always on the quest. I in fact crave her level of comfortableness. At no point did I mention starvation or bones or sandwiches. Definitely not sandwiches; I don’t abide by sandwiches.

      And yes, I am a stepmother. And no, anonymity is in fact not really true with the internet. Stumble on…

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