Badass Stepmom: Parenting Recap 4


Jason played single-parent again last week while I gallivanted off to Salt Lake City and San Francisco to properly earn that paycheck I receive. This meant he also got to sign my name approximately 6032 times as my acting power of attorney in the Norfolk home-buying process. He was a champ through it all, and as I understand, so was the 10-year-old.

I am drafting this little conversation while awaiting our new vehicle. The child and I are hanging out at the desk of the salesperson, while Jason is being the responsible father/husband/person who cares more about these things than I do, and inspecting the vehicle before we officially take ownership. Child is quietly reading his book, yes, READING HIS BOOK and actually being very patient through this boring adult process.

So what are the bright, shiny, and laughable step-parenting moments of late?

  • I like that he’s become a lunch snob. “You should just see the lunches some of the other kids bring. So unhealthy, Sarah. You just wouldn’t believe it.” Oh kid, I do. I freaking smile every time he comes home and asks me to please make him the ham, fried egg and cucumber sandwich again. Or, “do we have any more broccoli?” Um, if we don’t, I will go knocking on every neighbor’s door until I find some. Cup of sugar? Screw that! Kid wants greens!
  • Yesterday morning we had an entire conversation about the “perfect banana”.
  • Some mornings he is so slow it’s like he’s moving through molasses. It’s always the mornings that I’m running late. Child has mastered the ability to walk up the stairs so slowly that he could indeed be traveling back in time.
  • Even though she is snippy and old, he still has this affection for Iona. He jumps every time she barks, but he will unabashedly pick her up, carry her down the street, prepare her dinner, or simply just pet her. He is a good kid.
  • Have I mentioned that he is a literal thinker? OH MY GOD. So much so that we actually told him about his thinking process. We were a tad concerned that with this knowledge his head was then going to just spin right off, as you could see him thinking, thinking, thinking.
  • He has developed a strange addiction to the mints/candy DUO. I believe if I send him a DUO care package each month I can retain my status as badass stepmom for eternity. Or at least until he turns 12.
  • He is eating chilled raw jicama. He had never heard of it before and loves that most adults don’t know what this is. It makes him feel superior and it makes me, well, OK…it makes me feel just a little bit superior as well.
  • The other morning on the way to camp we drove through a particularly rough neighborhood. In a very stern voice he said, “Sarah, you are not allowed to run in this neighborhood alone. OK?!” All I could say was, “yes sir”.
  • He loves being on the inside track. If you want him excited or involved, then scheme with him. Tell him things that the other parent doesn’t know and bring him in on the quest, game, or plan. Just make sure that it’s something you really don’t mind if he spills, because as a literal child, his clues are really quite obvious, and well…literal.
  • I’ve been sober the entire month of post-4th July. That may account for the radical drop-off in Clue.
  • He told me yesterday that he wants to sit next to me on the beach this weekend in our short chairs, with our feet in the water, and read our books. His dad is supposed to bring us cold drinks and dance. I’m not sure if this is because we only have two chairs, or because Jason is indeed an entertaining dancer.
  • He misses absolutely nothing. You cannot whisper near him, spell out words (oh yeah, he’s 10 and not mentally incapacitated), converse in innuendos, or just expect that he is oblivious while listening to TV or wearing his headphones. He sees and hears everything. That’s kept Jason and I honest, on our toes, and unfortunately wearing significantly more clothes and using far less profanity than we are accustomed.

We are coming upon our last weekend together here in Wilmington. In fact, this will be the last full weekend that the three of us spend here together or apart. Our adventure and the badass stepmom will just need to rage on elsewhere.

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